Playing the Hand You're Dealt and Embracing Differences

We are faced every day with the opportunity to connect with others via social media.  We are likewise tempted to compare ourselves to others -- and this comparison (while almost never based on reality) seldom ends well.  Do we feel others are outpacing us with friends, vacations, or other life achievements?  Are we even certain that the presentations others' post upon their pages are complete, accurate and the whole story?

Life Control and Response

In life, as in a card game, we are not in control of our circumstances or the gifts we are given. Can a poker player take credit (without cheating) for securing a full house? Perhaps there is some strategy in knowing which cards to release and when to select a new card, but actually having the opportunity to have those winning cards is not fully within the player's control.

In life, we are not in control of the families into which we are born. An alcoholic father, a mentally ill mother, abusive relatives – – these are the cards that some of us have been dealt. We cannot be held responsible or be blamed for those circumstances. 

We can try, according to the gifts we've been given, to climb out of the holes and disadvantages in which we find ourselves.  And then we might actually find that we are given gifts of compency and strength to manage that climb.

Life Comparison

In this day of social media and constant comparison with others, it is easy, and dangerous, to look at those around us, or at others' social media postings, and wonder what is wrong with us if we don't have the wealth, the family, friends, the trappings that others appear to have.  Comparing yourself to others, and measuring what they seem to have with your gifts and blessings, is a fallacy for several reasons.

Not everyone is going to have a wonderful family. Not everyone is going to have a glittering coterie of friends. Not everyone is going to have wealth.  And, not everyone on social media is posting the entire truth.  The wife who constantly praises her husband to the world on Facebook does not mention that she is heartbroken when he neglects her.  Those who appear to have hundreds of friends cannot possibly be given adequate time and attention to all of these virtual acquaintances, to call them real friends.  

Life and Friendship Limitations

Here is an article discussing anthropologist and psychologist Robin Dunbar's findings on the limits of friendship. The Limits of Friendship  Robin Dunbar found that there is a limit to the number of large group acquaintances, close friends, and intimate friends that we are able to handle. Thinking, or expecting, that we should have or do more is unrealistic.

Our Individual Gifts Differ

We have not all been given the same gifts, abilities, or circumstances.

But, what have you been given? 

Has God given you an intellect? Use it. Gain an education. See how far that can take you.

Has God given you athletic ability? Refine your body and work it to the utmost to see how far you can go. See what you can achieve.

Have you been blessed to be born into a loving and close family? Appreciate that gift that you've been given. Not everyone has this gift and for those who don't have it, it's very possibly not their fault that they don't have it.

Obstacles Equal Opportunity

Sometimes the disadvantages that face us can be turned to advantages. 

Are you alone? Use that time to learn a new skill, to accomplish a project, to achieve goals that you couldn't achieve if your life was filled with people or obligations. Alone time gives you excellent opportunity to write a book. 

Did you have an injury? This gives you an excellent opportunity to learn the exercises and rehab techniques to correct that injury. 

Have you been sick? This is an opportunity to learn about your body, and what you can do to heal naturally as much as possible, and also how to use the medical system to move yourself forward.

Instead of focusing on, and wondering why we are sick, alone, friendless, or burdened with other disappointments, our challenge is to look for the positive things we can gain by using these seeming disadvantages and obstacles to learn and grow.

We all face seasons in life. Sometimes our lives are full, and busy. Other times, we go through a winter – – where things are quiet, and we do not see so much activity.

The secret to living well is asking God to help us make the most of every day, and the gifts that we are given. Also, we should be asking for help not to miss our purpose on the earth whatever that might be. Let's not waste our time wondering why we're not like everyone else.

Embrace our Difference

If each of us was like everyone else, we would not be positioned to achieve something unique. It seems to me that when God gives us gifts, or allows disadvantages, the challenge is to look for the potential and the positive outcome. 

World class mountain climbers don't learn to climb the world's highest peaks in one day.  You will not learn everything you need to know overnight, or through an internet search.  Learning happens when we try, and fail, and try again.  And then slowly, but surely, we build skills and competencies to manage the obstacles with which we have been entrusted.

And when we look around at our friends, family and acquaintances, we will not see uniformity.  We will see a vast array of differences -- forged by unique challenges, trials and difficulties.  

Let's face our challenges, and learn from each other, instead of fearing that because we are different, we have somehow missed something.

Most Everyone

Most Everyone

Most everyone has loved someone.

Most everyone has lost someone.

 

Most everyone has been hurt, sometimes by someone they loved and trusted.

Most everyone has been betrayed, sometimes by someone they loved and trusted.

 

Most everyone has felt alone, and sometimes lonely.

Most everyone has felt lonely, and sometimes when they weren’t alone.

 

Most everyone has been sick--physically ill.

Most everyone has been emotionally and spiritually ill.

 

Most everyone has suffered and sometimes wept.

Most everyone has experienced joy, and sometimes laughed.

 

We all want to be loved and to belong.

We don’t all know how to get to love and belonging.

 

Can we help each other, or at least not hurt each other?

What would happen if most everyone helped most everyone else?

 

Jewel Adams, PhD

October 13, 2015

The Benefits of a Broken Heart

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." - Psalm 34:18


We don't often think of the benefits of a broken heart.  We spend a lot of time and exert a lot of energy trying to avoid the pain and suffering that a broken heart brings.


But, if you are always happy, you will never know the consolation of the Lord.  You won't need it.  If you are always accepted, and never rejected, you will never know how to find comfort for yourself, and you won't know how to comfort others who are suffering.


While we can learn through study and observation, the deepest learnings are felt and accomplished through experience.  When a loved one dies, the pain of loss remains like an open wound.  How can this pain be healed? 


Those who have suffered the most have the most comfort to offer others.  Those who have hurt, been rejected, and known the pain of loss and betrayal have the opportunity to find something new -- the wisdom and insight that comes from pain.


When we are still, we can know God.  We will not find Him while we are striving, running around seeking to mediate our loss and pain.  Face the pain. "Be still, and know that I am God." - Psalm 46:10


The alternative to stillness is noise -- attempting to mediate pain through activity, media, music, relationships, drugs, alcohol, or anything else to distract oneself from the root cause of the pain.


Elijah had served God, stood against evil rulers, fought and won against false prophets, but for some reason (perhaps he was exhausted, stressed and burned out) when Jezebel threatened to kill him he ran -- and he ran far into the desert before he stopped.


" 'Go out and stand before me on the mountain,' the LORD told him. And as Elijah stood there, the LORD passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice." -- 1 Kings 19:11,12.


The secret to managing pain -- loss, betrayal, abandonment, fear -- is to be still. The principle of stillness applies across theological and religious divides.  Many philosophies recommend meditation to find inner peace. 


Only in stillness, and facing the deepest pain, will you find God, and find peace and comfort within.  And once you have found the secret to peace and tranquility within - separate and apart from circumstances and struggles -- no one can take it away.


The benefit of a broken heart can be the strength and comfort found in stillness, and knowing God in a way that others who have not suffered will never know Him -- because they don't need to know Him in that way. 


Another benefit of a broken heart can be a powerful empathy for others, and the genuine ability to comfort those who are suffering.  True comfort for those in pain comes from others who have suffered.  Many who would like to help do more harm when they reach out to those who are in pain, because they have no idea what to say, or how their words hurt instead of heal.


Even though we wish it were not true, the fact is that when we hurt and suffer through no fault of our own -- for example, we are born into an abusive family, we are abandoned by friends and family -- God shows up in a special way.  There are opportunities to learn, grow, adapt, and evolve for the wounded that the unafflicted never see -- because the unafflicted don't need to see.


God and the Universe provide what we need.  When we hurt, we need healing.  When we suffer, we need comfort.  When we are happy, we need nothing.


The deepest lessons are found in those who have had broken hearts, and who have pushed through to find healing for themselves, and for others.

The Puzzle

The child woke up one morning in a different world.  Everything was new and strange.  She could not understand the sounds the big people were making, or what those sounds meant.  She knew how she felt:  surprised, shocked and scared.  And hungry.  Above all, hungry.  She was uncomfortable in these cloths that irritated her bottom.  Why did people not understand her when she cried?  She cried for many reasons:  hunger, loneliness, fear, discomfort, or because she was tired.   

She began to understand some of the sounds the big people were making. She learned to respond, and make sounds of her own.  And soon, she learned to move around without waiting for someone else to pick her up. 

She tried to learn and explore the world around her, but the big people got in her way.  They didn’t understand her need to learn and grow.  They viewed her with annoyance and placed her in a prison, meant to confine her for their convenience. 

As she grew, the child began to realize that there was more to her life than the big people would be able to show her, or even to understand.  But within her soul, something that was still alive reached out for something more – to know, to do, to understand. 

This was the puzzle she had been given:  to take the many pieces of her life, and attempt to fit them together.  Sometimes nothing seemed to work, or to fit.  Other times, after many years of mistakes and struggle, one small piece would fall into place. She continued to learn and fight to grow.  She reached out to others in her quest.  Sometimes they abused her.  Sometimes they punished her for wanting to know more than they could understand.  But once in a great while, she would find a kindred soul who understood her, and then she knew she was on the right path. 

As she looked around and realized that those who did not understand rejected her because of their ignorance and fear, she also longed to help others who were struggling to fit their puzzle pieces together.  She learned, after many attempts to help others prevent failures and suffering, that no one can help another with the unique puzzles we are all given.  She realized that the puzzle only fits after many failed attempts, and the value is often in proportion to how many failed attempts are made before a piece finally fits. 

The child learned, as she became a big person, that she was given a puzzle to solve, and that had she been given a puzzle already pieced together, she would have learned nothing.

The Shifting Tide of Friendships

As the tides ebb and flow, so do friendships come and go.

Everyone has experienced the joy or distress of shifting friendships.  We are joyfully surprised when new friends ebb into our lives, and are sorrowful when friends leave.


The distressful ebbing tide of friendship can include a best friend who was once there for you, and with whom you swore eternal allegiance, but who suddenly falls away.  A marriage partner may cheat or lie.  A boyfriend may stop calling.  A family member may betray you.  Sometimes our friends die.


The reasons for friendships shifting away, and the tide of friendship ebbing out, are many, but the shifts away hurt no matter what the reason.  The sand upon which these friendships tide ebb and flow are our lives -- the time that we have to spend here, walking upon the earth.


Sometimes friendships shift in a positive direction.  Perhaps someone with whom you are casually acquainted becomes a new close confidant.  Perhaps you meet new friends, and a few become your day-to-day allies. 


These friendships may shift toward you, as the tide flows in, although we are not able to predict when these ebbs and flows may occur.  But the friendship shifts toward are always welcome, and even a surprise.  The friendship tide can sometimes brings with it treasures from the deep, and those beautiful things can remain, even when the friendship tide recedes.


Sometimes friendships become stuck.  You see them swirling and crashing against the shore, instead of naturally ebbing and flowing peacefully.  Sometimes, you have a choice about whether a friendship ebbs or flows - stays or goes. 


If a friendship always leaves you frustrated, upset and feeling less than who you feel you are supposed to be, walk away.  There is no need for a scene.  You can choose to distance yourself, and see how it feels to move away.  Sometimes that is what you need to do so that you can determine your next step. 
 
If a friendship leaves you energized, and positive, and hopeful for the future, looking ahead to possibilities, embrace that friendship.  Nurture it. Deliberately invest your time and energy supporting it.  If you don't, it could ebb away, and shift back towards others who deliver more appreciation and reward for time spent.


We cannot control the tide, or everything about the ebb and flow of friendship.  We can choose how we respond and react to these events.  Listen to you heart.  Be true to yourself, and the ebb and the flow of the friendship tides, while sometimes painful, will leave you with hope, knowing that there is more to come, instead of only despair for what is lost.


Consider the difference between low and high tides in the images found in Michael Marten's photo comparisons.  These stretches of beach and sand are the same underneath the high and low tide, but they look drastically different depending on the tidal activity.


Our lives are constant, despite the ebb and flow of the tide of friendship.  Our lives may look drastically different when the tide is rolling in, friends and social gatherings are abundant, and we do not lack for companionship.  But when the tide rolls out, and friends ebb away, we are still the same people we were before.  Underneath the ebb and flow of the friendship tide lies our little bit of sand that we call our lives.  And the tide will surely come in again, flowing over the sands of time in our lives, bringing with it hope and treasures from the ocean of friendship.

Relationship and Risk

In every relationship there is risk. 

There is risk of betrayal; there is risk that the relationship will fail.  There is risk that your friend or beloved will get sick and die.  There is risk that you will change, and that the relationship will change.  There is risk that your beloved will fall in love with someone else, and abandon you.   

Despite all these risks, we all hunger for love and for relationships.  Sometimes we go into a relationship knowing that it will fail, but judging it to be worth the risk.   Those decisions are between us and our God. 

Sometimes relationships lift us higher, and bring us to where we longed to be, if only for a short time.  Sometimes those we love change us forever, and even if the love between us doesn’t last, the good things that love brought to us remain.

Even though relationships can break our hearts, they can also renew our souls and give us the strength to move forward. 

Our relationships often reflect our own weakness and our fear.  If we do not believe in ourselves, and who we are made to be, we will choose people to be in our lives who will prevent us from becoming our best selves – because we don’t really believe in ourselves and who we can be.   

In the end, our strongest relationship should be between us and God – and we need to know ourselves best of all.  When we know ourselves well, and refuse to betray ourselves or lie to ourselves, we will draw into our lives relationships that are more likely to help us on our journey, rather than choosing those who reveal our weaknesses and prevent us from becoming all we are meant to be. 

Secret of Life: Choices and Change

Most of us have things in our lives we would like to change:  our weight, relationships, finances, etc.  But most of us do not see dramatic or lasting change, even when we do everything we can to make those changes.  Why is it that we can’t effect lasting change, even when we try our hardest?  

 

Secret of Life:  Choices

There is a little recognized but simple secret that explains how we arrive in our current circumstances.  That powerful determinant is Choice.  We cannot control the choices others make, but we can take action to make our own choices for change.  Why is it we that we run into blockages when we try to make choices that could lead to change?

 

Every choice we make is driven by our Beliefs.  We all have beliefs about how a particular Choice will make us feel, or the results we believe we will receive from making that Choice.  When we achieve a different set of results than what we expected after making a Choice, it is time to examine why we made that Choice.  What was the Belief that drove that Choice?  What did we expect to receive, and why did we not receive it?

 

The ultimate opportunity for growth lies in being willing to examine, and even change, our underlying Belief system if evidence is present that the existing Belief system is wrong.  There is no doubt that we all hold Beliefs that are not true; we just have not yet discovered all of our incorrectly held Beliefs.  Part of life’s journey is to constantly examine our Beliefs and Values, and be willing to make changes so that we can improve, and grow.

 

Secret of Choices:  Beliefs

Our Beliefs, or constructs, may or may not be founded in reality.  We have all from time to time believed something that wasn’t true.  Sometimes these false beliefs are innocuous and somewhat harmless.  For example, the belief/construct that a company or corporation will take care of its employees might allow a worker to trust that good work will be rewarded.  This belief might actually motivate a person to perform so well that he or she is rewarded.  The belief that the company will reward leads to a choice to work hard.

 

Other beliefs might be limiting or even dangerous.  For example, if a person who is being repeatedly verbally or physically battered believes that the abuser “loves” him or her, the victim of abuse might stay because of their confusion that abuse exists side-by-side with love.  The belief that the abuser “loves” the victim motivates the victim to stay under the false belief that this is love, and the even less likely possibility that the abuser will change.  Sometimes abusers stay because they hold a Belief that, for religious reasons, they are not permitted to seek a divorce.  They will not make a Change because their deeply held Belief holds them in place, believing that God requires that they suffer in an abusive arrangement.  If a person holds this Belief, they might die before they are released.

 

Sometimes people will hide from the truth because they are ashamed, with a deeply held Belief that others will shame them or despise them if they knew the truth.  Often, or perhaps always, these people come from shame-based parents, and have internalized the message that they should be ashamed of themselves.  They are carrying out the directive they were given, making shame-based Choices based on the Belief that they are worthy of shame.  Their lives will not change unless they do the work to confront the underlying Belief instilled in them from their family of origin.

 

Secret of Beliefs:  Values

Do you know what your deepest values are?  Could you articulate those values to someone else?  Your deepest Values are the foundation for your Beliefs. 

 

Ours Beliefs are based on our Values.  For example, women used to believe almost universally that men should lead, and should make decisions for them, and be allowed to determine where they go, what they could and could not do, whether they were educated, and so on.  In some parts of the world men are still trying to make those decisions for women, believing (based on deeply held religious values) that this is their God-given right and directive.   The foundation for these Beliefs is a deeply held religious and authoritarian construct – a Value system that holds that God has entrusted men with leadership, and women should follow. For those who retain the Value that God has set up a gender-based authority structure, the Beliefs they hold (that men are in charge) will drive the Choices they make (women must submit to men in all circumstances). 

 

Sometimes women born into this gender-based authoritarian structure begin to challenge the Values they were given, and the resulting Beliefs that accompany the Value.  Sometimes women begin to make different Choices – to drive, to read, to seek education, to divorce.  They are willing to risk Change when their Beliefs change, based on a Value shift.  Those who try to seek Change when their Beliefs have NOT changed will not get very far.  And those who do Believe that something is wrong and needs to Change, but are not strong enough to seek a Values paradigm shift, will often give silent consent to those who are leading Change, but will not put themselves on the line – just in case the Change agents are wrong.  These silent consenters are held in place by Values they cannot release.

 

The Cost of Change

Recently, I heard someone say that our lives can change when we ask this question: “What else is possible?” 

 

You are not responsible for what other people believe.  You are responsible for what you believe.  Life choices are made from a core set of beliefs.  You will have the opportunity to validate or repudiate your own beliefs as you live with the consequences of your choices.   But those beliefs are driven by a deeply held core set of values.  Your beliefs will not change unless your values change.

 

You are not responsible for the values held by others.  You are responsible for your own values.  Beliefs are generated from a core set of values.  Values can shift and change throughout life as circumstances and experience provide new evidence and opportunity for Change.  But Change will not happen unless Beliefs change – Beliefs will not Change unless the core Values that drove that Beliefs change.

 

It is not easy to change a Value.  Sometimes Values have been ingrained since birth, and many times changing a Value is costly.  Costs can include being rejected by a family or religious group, and these rejections are very painful.  Not everyone will be willing to pay the price to change Values and the resulting Beliefs. 

 

Cost of Failing to Change

In my opinion, the cost of NOT changing Values and Beliefs is higher than the cost of the rejection of the status quo (family, friends, church, etc.).  Ignoring the still small voice within equates to personal suicide.  Killing one’s inner self to preserve the comfort of those around me is not my driver.  Having tried that method, and found that it led to misery, it wasn’t long before “to thine own self be true” became my motto.

 

The path to reconstruct Values, change Beliefs, and bring about true and solid Change has been a lifelong, arduous journey.  It is one that I still pursue.  At this point in my life, I will give up my ground, and hard fought for peace, for no one.