Facebook Anxiety

Most of us have Facebook accounts.  Most of us probably log in every day, or even multiple times daily, to check on our friends and see if anyone is trying to communicate with us. 

However, I have begun to wonder if there is a hypervigilance associated with being glued to Facebook.

"Dr. Kathy Charles and her team of Psychologists at Edinburgh Napier University studied 200 students and their Facebook habits and found that an unexpected number of users experienced some sort of negative effects from the social network."
http://www.tomsguide.com/us/facebook-twitter-myspace-foursquare,news-10171.html

The stress and anxiety Dr. Charles noted was related to friend rejections and feeling the pressure of posting with so many people looking on-- and the stress increased with the number of Facebook "friends."

I have begun to wonder how much of our lives we are giving away to a virtual universe (Facebook) in which most of the players are virtual (we may have never met them in person) and whose comments, posts and opinions seem to carry so much weight.

If we are placing a heavy value upon our Facebook friends' opinions, so much so that we are upset when they ignore us or unfriend us, how does this benefit our life?  Is this the healthiest path we could choose?

Miller's 1956 paper on working memory revealed that human beings can process 7 objects in their working memories, give or take another 2.
Miller, G. A. (1956). "The magical number seven, plus or minus two: Some limits on our capacity for processing information". Psychological Review 63 (2): 81–97. doi:10.1037/h0043158.
 If we, as Miller (1956) noted, can only handle 7 objects in our working memories (give or take 2), what are we doing we when we spend hours on Facebook every day, skimming others' activities (of which we are not a part) instead of living our own lives?

What would happen if we choose to ignore Facebook for 2 or 3 days?  Would our anxiety levels decrease? would we really miss anything important?

There is no doubt that Facebook is being used to help people, raise money for worthy causes, and effect social change in areas where political  adversity restricts communication.

For most of us, though, it might be that a Facebook break would be a nice gift to give ourselves if we feel stressed and anxious.

Of course the irony is, I will post this blog on Facebook. :)

Untie the Knots

As I was cleaning today I found a cat teaser toy tangled up in the thick cord of the carpet cleaner.  The teaser toy had a long, thin plastic handle, a long string and a furry toy at the end of the string.  Somehow, the string had gotten wrapped around the heavy black cord of the carpet steamer and the string was separated from the teaser handle.  But it was all tangled together, intertwined in the carpet shampooer's electrical cord.

I tried to pull it loose, but to no avail.  I stopped vacuuming, sat down on the floor, and examined the string.  It was knotted, in several places.  Hearing the jangling of the toy on the end of the string, the baby kitten came over to investigate.  She knew this was her toy but she couldn't get to it.  How it got this tangled, wrapped over and over and under several layers of cord, was beyond me.

I had two choices:  Cut the string and ruin the toy, or methodically untangle it to preserve the toy.

I chose the second option.

As I sat quietly, with baby kitten looking on, detangling the knots, looping and unlooping, I suddenly realized the metaphor I was holding in my hands.

I have been dissatisfied with my progress in life, thinking of the "shoulds" with which I pressure myself:  cleaning the house, losing weight, finishing dissertation and so forth.  There are probably two dozen "shoulds" that pop into my head every day, holding forth the never attained promise of...perfection? 

The burden and pressure of a perfectionistic ideal is a heavy one to bear.  And -- it is unrealistic and places the target person in a state of anxiety.

Our society expects everything "on demand."  Entertainment, internet and many other things are marketed just that way -- instantly, "on demand" -- with one click, you may have what you are looking for.  If you are sick, take a pill on demand.  Want a movie?  You are one click away.  Want a date?  One click.  Need medical advice?  Click to WebMD.   Want to chat with loved ones far away?  Skype them, with a couple of clicks.  Want to lose weight?  Take a pill or have surgery.

As I patiently and quietly detangled the little teaser toy, with baby kitten looking on expectantly and hopefully, suddenly I saw that LIFE is a series of tangles and knots.  We are born into imperfect families.  We learn to walk by falling down over and over, until we --  through a series of failures -- gain our balance.  Through trial and error we learn to shoot basketballs, ride horses, play the piano, or even make friends.  If one person doesn't like us, we move on to the next potential friend.

Our society has lost the concept of building through trial and error, of making progress through our mistakes.  Lessons learned through patience are lost.  If we can't see the results immediately, we walk away and throw away what might have been.

Maybe today, on Christmas Day -- a day of promise, hope, good cheer, kindness to all -- we can recognize the knots and imperfections in our lives not as failures, but as problems to be solved.  These problems will require time to solve and the knots will not disappear overnight.  If we were born into a troubled family, it will take time to understand the dynamics and learn how to build a new network of support.  Part of the detangling is learning not to blame ourselves for the messes around us.  Sometimes they are not our fault.  Sometimes, they just are. 

But every problem, every knot, is an opportunity to learn new skills and gain a new understanding.  If you were never rejected, you would not understand another's heartbreak.  If you had been born into a perfect family, you would have no concept of the difficulties those who struggle with dysfunction face.  Instead of asking "Why me?"  or "What did I do to deserve this?"  Ask instead, "How may I understand this, and bring light to this situation?  How might I untie this knot?"

The prayer attributed to St. Francis of Assissi embodies this response:

 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Today, when we see a knot in our lives or in the lives of our friends, perhaps we can see a puzzle to be solved rather than an intruder to be removed.  Of course, we cannot solve others' problems.  It takes all our energy to try to solve our own.  But instead of blaming them, ourselves or others, let's look at the intertwined network of feelings, thoughts, emotions and relationships that make up the complicated picture we call life.  And then, maybe, we can start untying the knots.

Processing Tragedy from Afar

The shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School have brought the nation and the world to attention. News media and journalists are scrambling to sort the facts, make sense of the tragedy and endeavor to find reason or cause for the violence.

In the wake of the horror and devastation, many will remain glued to their TV's, smart phones and tablets, hoping that a new piece of news might make more sense of this senseless crime.  Those with children will not be able to avoid empathizing with the parents in Connecticut.  Everyone is horrified at the attack upon innocent, small children -- babies, really.

Some will use this time to argue for or against gun regulation.  Others will point out that the gunman was mentally ill, and begin a discussion on the social issues surrounding how our society manages those with mental illnesses or personality disorders. 

I propose that this is not a time for heated emotional debate.  We can do nothing to change the events of yesterday.  There might be measures we can implement to close the security gaps and prevent future tragedies such as this one, but we cannot do it today.

For today and the immediate days following, it would be wise to limit exposure to the repeated news stories flooding the airways concerning this horrific event. Constant checking for new stories can lead to anxiety and worst of all -- missing your own life moments with your own family. Check in every twelve hours or so for new developments.  Make a deliberate effort to avoid dwelling on this terrible stories, and instead focus on doing something positive for yourself and for others.

Honor the memories of thoser who are lost by living in the present, and protecting and loving those who are still with us.

Single and Thankful

Not everyone will be making merry with a group of friends and family during the holiday season.

Some people are single, and also isolated from their friends and/or family.

Our culture imposes an expectation upon everyone to seek out others for celebrating in holiday cheer.  There is an automatic response of pity and concern if a single person is discovered alone on a holiday.

Sometimes single and alone during a holiday is not pitiable.

Sometimes single and alone during a holiday is preferable to family conflicts or drunken gatherings.

Sometimes single and alone during a holiday is refreshing and rejuvenating.

If you are single and alone during this holiday, consider your blessings.  Do not give in to the media and society's pressures and consider yourself to be pitied because you are alone.

If you view your quiet days as opportunities to spend any way you wish, with no outside pressures or obligations from anyone, what would you do? 

How would you feel knowing you have been given a gift of a free day to do anything you like, in the midst of a busy and hectic world, before you find yourself rejoining your regularly scheduled activities?

Make a list of things you want to do, but don't normally have time to do.  Is the holiday a good time to do some, or all, of these things?  Is there a book you want to read?  Is there a recipe you want to try?  Is there a room you want to organize?

If you find yourself single and alone during the holidays, give yourself the greatest gift of all:  Acceptance -- where you are right now is where you need to be.  And then make the most of your day alone!  Do things you could not do with others.  Soak in the tub.  Read a book.  Meditate.  Write a poem.

At the end of the day, you might find that the single holiday was your favorite one so far.

Worry Guidelines for a Noisy World

With the onslaught of political ads (thank God they are almost over), the Facebook reports of problems and issues, and our own daily needs, it can be overwhelming deciding where to place our energies.

Everything we worry about or take up as a concern requires our energy, and for the time that we are focusing on that problem -- ours or someone else's -- we are diverted from doing anything else.

In this multimedia age, where we are sensually assaulted everywhere we turn -- by radio, TV, billboards, Facebook, email, etc. -- it is easy to become overwhelmed, and feel that we don't have enough energy or time to do everything we need to do. 

If we are trying to process all of the above (all Facebook posts, all advertisements, texts, emails, and so on), we probably DON'T have enough energy or time. We all have a finite amount of money, emotional and spiritual energy and physical resources.  Learning to conserve those resources and decide when and where to use them could mean the difference between having what we need and burning out.

I believe the secret to peace in a raucous world is proper filtering.

A few  conscious guidelines can help us manage where we choose to apply our time and energies.

When we see disturbing images or hear or horrific, sad events, we have a choice to make.  Should we engage our emotions, and spend the next hour reading about events on the other side of the world?  If these are events over which we have no control or influence, it might be best to say a prayer for those who are suffering, make a donation if possible and then move on.

Focusing our time and emotions on tragedies elsewhere can cause us to miss the beauties that are before us, the gifts that are in our own lives now.

We cannot take on the sorrow and tragedy of the whole world.  And we should not feel guilty for recognizing this, and taking steps to care for ourselves by conserving and applying our own resources in a conscious way.

Therefore, I propose some guidelines for worry and anxiety in a noisy world. 

1.  When an event or situation comes to your attention, ask yourself:  Does this affect me directly?  Is this MY problem?  If the answer is yes, take appropriate action.

2.  If the answer is no, the next question is, how should I respond?  You may decide to say a prayer, make a donation, or do nothing.

It is easy to get pulled into other peoples' dramas on Facebook.  If these are your friends and/or family, and your are being consulted for your opinion or need to make a decision, then you may need to participate.

But I think far too many of us get engaged in dramas that are not our own.  We see pictures of people we know, expressing turmoil or problems about which they are NOT consulting us, and we engage.  We start thinking and feeling about what we need to do, or what we would say.  If we are not being consulted by others, these are not our problems.

In martial arts and other forms of combat, one effective technique that mature fighters learn is to let the opponent do the work.  Sometimes, if you just stand there, the other person will come to you and this saves your own energy.  Also, quite often, you can simply move laterally when someone charges you.  By exerting minimum energies, you move out of the way of harm, avoiding engagement.

Learning to hold back and control energy is an important skill and can serve us well not only  in martial arts, but in relationships, time management and any other area where we are deciding how much we need to engage.

Today, when you see the hundreds of Facebook posts advising you to vote, or expounding upon the issues of suffering in the world, pull back into yourself.  Do not get automatically pulled in.  Determine what is yours, and what is not yours.  Be compassionate, but remember to be compassionate to yourself, also. 

Make a conscious decision about what you will, and won't, give your time and energies to.

If you don't take care of yourself, who will?

At the end of the day, if you have lived consciously, you are more likely to have peace than if you allowed your surroundings to control you, dictating your focus.  Make the decision to take control of your time and your energies.  Filter what you see, read, and think about.  Perhaps you need to filter your Facebook posts.  Perhaps you need to drop a TV show.  Perhaps you need to take a walk.

Make the choice.  It's your life.

Letting Go

Letting go of the pain of the past does not mean that you are turning your back on yourself, or failing to validate your feelings.  Sometimes I think those of us from psychological or social work backgrounds want to make sure we have acknowledged the experience and our feelings before we move on.  We analyze ourselves, to make sure we haven't missed something, or contributed inadvertently to the disappointment.

But at some point, letting go is loving yourself.

If a friend repeatedly hurts you, disappoints you, betrays you or fails you in other ways, letting go of that person is loving yourself.

If you have disappointed yourself, or failed in some way, beating yourself up by repeatedly reviewing what you did or didn't do will not change the past.  And while you might be reviewing to make sure you don't repeat the mistake, the thoughts we dwell upon drive our future.  For example, in psychology we know that the old schoolteacher's punishment of making a child write "I will not...." 100 times only reinforced the behavior, as attention and energy are being directed at that behavior.  There are positive ways to reinforce desirable behaviors. (Mather & Goldstein, 2001, http://www.ldonline.org/article/6030/).  There are also less desirable ways to deal with behavior that you want to change. 

We need to be as skilled at working with ourselves to implement change as we are in working with others.  If we know that beating another person up verbally won't change their behavior, why would we do this to ourself?  I think sometimes we feel ashamed, and confused, and we aren't sure why something happened.  We ruminate (review repeatedly) to search for clues.  But really, this is an anxiety based response and is not helpful.  Anxiety is usually fueled by "What-if's."  The what-if's do not usually lead to constructive change, but they do lead to anxiety. 

Letting go of the What-if's (What if I had done this differently?  What did I do to cause that person to be mean to me?) actually frees us to be receptive to positive thoughts and positive changes.

And so, though you might be tempted to wonder why disappointments happen:

If someone has hurt you, let it go.
If someone has made you sad, let it go.
Do not lose your future or the present by living in the past.
Look for the joy in the moment.
It is there.

Where is Your Life's Meaning?

Do you know where you find your meaning in life?

For some, meaning is found in relationships -- with friends, family, or  their significant others.

For some, meaning is found through achievements -- athletic or academic.

For some, meaning is found through their animals -- faithful pets who never leave their side.

For some, meaning is found through their bank balance -- or their spouse's.

Your own life's meaning is probably a combination of one or more of these.

What happens when one or more of these things change?

Friends move away.  They marry, and are no longer available as they once were.  Sometimes friends simply disappear, or stop being your friend, and you don't know why. Family members disappoint.  And at anytime, any of your important people can die.

If your meaning is found through achievement, and you are an athlete, injury or disability could sideline you.  However, many inspirational stories of athletes who overcome devastating accidents remind us that there might be another way to achieve.  We must find it.

A beloved pet may die.  How do we move through that heartbreak?  Sometimes, part of the answer is in adopting another pet.  But we must, through it all, honor the faithful companion who never let us down -- in memory, with photos, with poetry -- in whatever way brings the most meaning.

Financial prosperity can be fleeting.  The stock market crashes, unemployment happens, and your way of life changes. What do you do when your money is all gone?

At times in my life where I feel a bit disoriented, and I feel that I am reaching for something to hang onto, I can usually trace the unanchored feeling to a shift in those things that brought meaning.  An important friend has moved -- I feel a bit listless:  who will be my buddy now?  A pet passes away.  Where is the unconditional love that comforted me every day, no matter what?  A friend leaves, betrays, or abandons.  Who will we talk to, text or email now?  Finances were good until -- the car or house repair interrupts the bank balance.

Sometimes several of these meaningful points in our lives shift at once.  Then we can feel very uncertain, and wonder if we have caused any of these shifts. 

I think it is the nature of life that things change -- relationships change, people move/pass away/leave us/change. 

The secret to moving through transition well is recognizing that these phases are temporary.  There will be new friends, new relationships, new opportunities.  We must honor our past, but not mourn so long that we miss the present, and our future.

Jewel Adams, M.S., L.M.T.

Psych Girl's Life Thoughts: Weight Loss and Routine

Psych Girl's Life Thoughts: Weight Loss and Routine: Weight Loss.  Who hasn't thought about it, tried it, succeeded and failed? What works for us at one time in our life might not work during...

I have been resting, GLORIOUSLY resting, since Tuesday when they let us out early. Tuesday afternoon was spent at the movie theatre -- watching TED (laughed so much), and then the Amazing Spiderman (which WAS amazing). Wednesday I had one assignment I had to write and post. I had imagined to myself that I would write a research paper, complete the 3 writing assignments for next week (early), and write a chapter for my dissertation as well as compose a note to the author of a personality test I am using in my dissertation. I had not done any of that until today.

Instead, I finally watched "The Great Gatsby," from 1994, with Robert Redford. Since a remake is in the works with Leonardo diCaprio, I felt I needed to watch the original in order to be informed, since comparisons will no doubt be made. Glad I watched the original, probably won't go out of my way to see it again.

Went on a 2+ mile dogwalk yesterday before the inferno outside heated up.

I also watched Season 1 of "Cranford," one of the most delightful BBC miniseries I have ever had the pleasure to view. HIGHLY recommend, based upon the writings of Elizabeth Gaskell, with whom I was unfamiliar.

Went to the nail salon for a mani/pedi, cleaned off some kitchen counters and have juiced a couple of times -- honeydew melon and today, watermelon.

I realized this morning that I have not had 5 carefree days off since I left Shell in July 2007. So, 'it's been 5 years since I could, without anxiety, rest for several days in a row...not fearing what would, or would not, come next.

Today, I have turned my attention to the research paper. Outline is due today. There is a good chance I will write most of it today. The topic, which I realized I was supposed to run by my professor 2 weeks ago, will be Ethical issues in Family and Marital Therapy: Infidelity in Counseling. I am fascinated by conflicts in loyalty. I have an interesting book, highly recommend, entitled Loyalty, by Eric Felton. Anyway, I sent a quick note to prof apologizing for not running the topic by her a couple of weeks ago, and presenting this topic and she replied "that's just dandy!" Whew.

Anyhow, back to my fascinating research on the ethical conflicts facing therapists counseling partners in relationships in which one, or both, have been unfaithful...and in which a partner might still be unaware of the other's infidelity. Interesting stuff to me. And really, this bears parallels outside of the therapist's room. What do you do if you know a friend's husband is cheating on her? I have learned that they don't always want to know. It's sticky.

What do you think?  To disclose, or not to disclose?

Anxiety and the News

 

My definition of anxiety is the uneasiness and discomfort that follows the question, “What if?”  Much of the “what if’s” are subconscious.  We worry about “What if my husband leaves me?”  or, “What if I lose my job?”  or “What if I can’t pay all my bills?”  or “What if my pet dies?”

These scenarios are real possibilities, but we cannot control whether these troubling events are going to happen, and we cannot prevent them, either.  Thus, the anxiety – provoked at the thought of a loss of control in the midst of a threatening situation.

I have believed for some time that most evening news broadcasts induce and promote anxiety.  They are sensational, designed to boost viewership and sell advertisements.  I noticed that my anxiety level rises during these nightly news stories of child abductions, fatal traffic accidents and worldwide disasters.  So I began to question if I needed to watch the nightly news.

As an experiment, I turned the TV to my favorite music, the smooth jazz channel on Directv.  The cats love this channel, and I feel an immediate elevation of mood.  I am ready to do my household chores, and the smooth jazz removes anxious thoughts. 

Anxiety does not thrive in a positive musical atmosphere.

In psychology, we know that an individual can only cognitively manage 7 things at a time.  If you are managing your home, pets, family, friends, jobs, exercise routine and social network, that’s your seven.  You are cognitively full up, so to speak.

We are not designed to handle the problems of the world.  It does not make us uncaring if we tune the news broadcasts out, which are designed to startle and grab your attention, pulling you in so that you will hang around for the story and also be exposed to the advertisements.  I cannot correct the situation in Afghanistan, nor can I influence the man who killed his wife and children.  Dwelling upon these tragedies pulls me down and raises my anxiety level, which reduces my personal energy needed to handle my own life problems.

Here is a thought, and a suggestion for your own experiment:  If you feel anxious, try removing one thing, such as the evening news, from your daily lineup and see if you feel less anxious.  Try to recognize the things that triggering anxiety and address these things – remove them if you can.  Then, replace them with something positive.

Consequences of anxiety can be increased risk of dying from a stroke, as well as the suffering of the anxiety itself.

I don’t agree with everything on this list by Barton Goldsmith, PhD, but he does mention that a strategy for anxiety reduction is limiting news to one hour a day and not watching anything that is upsetting before bed. 

An anxiety reduction strategy could be as simple as replacing the evening news with a favorite music channel.

Thoughts on Darkness

Ultimately, during the dark nights of your soul, the darkness, doubt, fear and anxiety are between you and your God.

The darkness can change; circumstancess WILL change.

God never changes.

This realization is the foundation, and the beginning, of your faith.