Most of us have things in our lives we would like to change: our weight, relationships, finances,
etc. But most of us do not see dramatic or
lasting change, even when we do everything we can to make those changes. Why is it that we can’t effect lasting change,
even when we try our hardest?
Secret of Life: Choices
There is a little recognized but simple secret that explains how we
arrive in our current circumstances. That
powerful determinant is Choice. We cannot control the choices others make,
but we can take action to make our own choices for change. Why is it we that we run into blockages when
we try to make choices that could lead to change?
Every choice we make is driven by our Beliefs. We all have beliefs
about how a particular Choice will make us feel, or the results we believe we
will receive from making that Choice.
When we achieve a different set of results than what we expected after
making a Choice, it is time to examine why we made that Choice. What was the Belief that drove that
Choice? What did we expect to receive,
and why did we not receive it?
The ultimate opportunity for growth lies in being willing to examine, and
even change, our underlying Belief system if evidence is present that the
existing Belief system is wrong. There
is no doubt that we all hold Beliefs that are not true; we just have not yet discovered
all of our incorrectly held Beliefs.
Part of life’s journey is to constantly examine our Beliefs and Values,
and be willing to make changes so that we can improve, and grow.
Secret of Choices: Beliefs
Our Beliefs, or constructs, may or may not be founded in reality. We have all from time to time believed
something that wasn’t true. Sometimes
these false beliefs are innocuous and somewhat harmless. For example, the belief/construct that a
company or corporation will take care of its employees might allow a worker to
trust that good work will be rewarded.
This belief might actually motivate a person to perform so well that he
or she is rewarded. The belief that the
company will reward leads to a choice to work hard.
Other beliefs might be limiting or even dangerous. For example, if a person who is being
repeatedly verbally or physically battered believes that the abuser “loves” him
or her, the victim of abuse might stay because of their confusion that abuse
exists side-by-side with love. The
belief that the abuser “loves” the victim motivates the victim to stay under
the false belief that this is love, and the even less likely possibility that
the abuser will change. Sometimes
abusers stay because they hold a Belief that, for religious reasons, they are
not permitted to seek a divorce. They
will not make a Change because their deeply held Belief holds them in place,
believing that God requires that they suffer in an abusive arrangement. If a person holds this Belief, they might die
before they are released.
Sometimes people will hide from the truth because they are ashamed,
with a deeply held Belief that others will shame them or despise them if they
knew the truth. Often, or perhaps
always, these people come from shame-based parents, and have internalized the
message that they should be ashamed of themselves. They are carrying out the directive they were
given, making shame-based Choices based on the Belief that they are worthy of
shame. Their lives will not change
unless they do the work to confront the underlying Belief instilled in them
from their family of origin.
Secret of Beliefs: Values
Do you know what your deepest values are? Could you articulate those values to someone
else? Your deepest Values are the
foundation for your Beliefs.
Ours Beliefs are based on our Values.
For example, women used to believe almost universally that men should
lead, and should make decisions for them, and be allowed to determine where
they go, what they could and could not do, whether they were educated, and so
on. In some parts of the world men are
still trying to make those decisions for women, believing (based on deeply held
religious values) that this is their God-given right and directive. The foundation for these Beliefs is a deeply
held religious and authoritarian construct – a Value system that holds that God
has entrusted men with leadership, and women should follow. For those who
retain the Value that God has set up a gender-based authority structure, the Beliefs
they hold (that men are in charge) will drive the Choices they make (women must
submit to men in all circumstances).
Sometimes women born into this gender-based authoritarian structure
begin to challenge the Values they were given, and the resulting Beliefs that
accompany the Value. Sometimes women
begin to make different Choices – to drive, to read, to seek education, to
divorce. They are willing to risk Change
when their Beliefs change, based on a Value shift. Those who try to seek Change when their
Beliefs have NOT changed will not get very far.
And those who do Believe that something is wrong and needs to Change,
but are not strong enough to seek a Values paradigm shift, will often give
silent consent to those who are leading Change, but will not put themselves on
the line – just in case the Change agents are wrong. These silent consenters are held in place by
Values they cannot release.
The Cost of Change
Recently, I heard someone say that our lives can change when we ask
this question: “What else is possible?”
You are not responsible for what other people believe. You are responsible for what you
believe. Life choices are made from a
core set of beliefs. You will have the
opportunity to validate or repudiate your own beliefs as you live with the
consequences of your choices. But those beliefs are driven by a deeply held
core set of values. Your beliefs will
not change unless your values change.
You are not responsible for the values held by others. You are responsible for your own values. Beliefs are generated from a core set of
values. Values can shift and change
throughout life as circumstances and experience provide new evidence and
opportunity for Change. But Change will
not happen unless Beliefs change – Beliefs will not Change unless the core
Values that drove that Beliefs change.
It is not easy to change a Value.
Sometimes Values have been ingrained since birth, and many times
changing a Value is costly. Costs can
include being rejected by a family or religious group, and these rejections are
very painful. Not everyone will be willing
to pay the price to change Values and the resulting Beliefs.
Cost of Failing to Change
In my opinion, the cost of NOT changing Values and Beliefs is higher
than the cost of the rejection of the status quo (family, friends, church,
etc.). Ignoring the still small voice
within equates to personal suicide.
Killing one’s inner self to preserve the comfort of those around me is
not my driver. Having tried that method,
and found that it led to misery, it wasn’t long before “to thine own self be
true” became my motto.
The path to reconstruct Values, change Beliefs, and bring about true
and solid Change has been a lifelong, arduous journey. It is one that I still pursue. At this point in my life, I will give up my
ground, and hard fought for peace, for no one.
