Transition

Most of us are in a constant state of transition in some area of our lives.

The trick is not to give up and think that what we are moving away from is a permanent loss.  We might indeed be experiencing the loss of friends, or an old job, but at the same time we are moving towards new things that have not yet manifested.

We can’t see what the new opportunities will be until we let go of the old things.

Sometimes old beliefs, old friendships, and old ideas – these are the things that are holding us back.  Being willing to look at new beliefs, new friendships and new ideas can open the door to new opportunities and possibilities.

Sometimes there will be a delay between the letting go and loss of the old before the new appears.  That’s okay.  Don’t give up. 

The new can only arrive after the old has vacated the space it was taking up in your life.

You won’t see the new until the old has gone.  Then you will be able to look back and realize that the transition (loss of the old) has led to something new and fresh.

In nature, trees shed their leaves every year, and for a time, appear to be dead.  But in the spring, the new arrives – new buds, new leaves, and shortly thereafter the tree is clothed in glorious new leaves.  The loss of the old was necessary to make room for the new, more glorious, covering.

This is nature’s way.  Let the old slide away.  Make room for the new, and rejoice when it arrives.

Fighting for Life

We are organic creatures, designed to fight for life, to fight for survival.

Sometimes we fight to survive by exercising, learning to fight, or eating a healthy diet.

Sometimes none of that matters.

Sometimes life ends quickly, and with no warning.

A wonderful family friend is in the hospital, in dire condition, the result of a tragic accident.  He lived life large. He travelled and married and loved and adopted children.  He survived heart surgery last year, and recently survived a close call overseas.

And after all of those adventures and close calls, he is in a hospital as a result of a motorcycle accident.

A life well-lived, but unexpectedly cut short.

Though we do our best to live well, and preserve our lives, the truth is we cannot know where our life's journey is taking us.  We do not know really know how it will end, though we might try to imagine, and prevent, untimely events.

In the end, only God knows what awaits any of us.

All we can do is live life well, now.

Follow Your Heart, but Honor Your Mind

“Follow your heart, but honor your mind.” – Dustin Brown

Dustin has concisely and beautifully presented not only our need for balance in our everyday lives, but the conflict that can ensue for the sensitive people who want to live idealistic lives, considerate of others, and yet at the same time walk a sensible and mentally healthy path. 

Sometimes people with the most beautiful ideals abdicate from the daily responsibilities of work and responsibilities such as home ownership, animal care and other demanding commitments.  They drop out from society, with the intention of pursuing a higher goal. I believe that because the drudgery of daily work, commitment to others, and being responsible to a boss, might not feel good, or might seem to interfere with their inspiration and reflections, they separate themselves from the things in their lives that seem lesser.  I almost always see these same people struggling to pay their bills, and trying to find ways to solicit funds from others – either through charging for offering idealistic advice (though they may not have the credentials to be offering advice to others), personal training or coaching.  I see a group of people who are trying to carve out a way to survive without having to be accountable to those they might not agree with to make a living.

Here is the truth:  Unless you are independently wealthy, there will always be a necessity to work with people who might not always agree with you in order to make a living.  These conflicts offer an opportunity for advancing diversity skills, through personality awareness and learning how to communicate with those who are different from us.

I see people who are on the other end of the spectrum, also.  I know people who have cut the heart out of their decision-making process (or perhaps it was never there to begin with).  There are people whose personalities do not encompass the feelings of others, and you will see these people in abundance in leadership roles in corporations, and in certain professions where logic and science dictate what is happening, and when and how choices are being made.  The people in these professions are almost never the empathetic, poetic and sensitive souls who feel the pain of others, or who seek to alleviate and heal the pain of those around them.  Because they are not distracted by the consequences of their decisions upon the lives of others, or others’ feelings, they move forward in an unemotional paradigm based on their perception of logic and economy.  In their wake, they leave behind hurt feelings and misunderstandings   The people I have known who are making decisions that cause pain to others are mostly unaware, unconcerned and irritated with the feelings of others if they are brought to their attention.  I have interviewed powerful people who make decisions that impact the lives of others, causing pain and disturbance, and I have not found that they have remorse or concern about those their decisions hurt.  Instead, I find that they are looking with resolve at what they believe needs to be done, and they see themselves as persons willing to make tough decisions for the greater good.  There may very well be truth in these views. 

The conflict between idealistic, empathetic concern for others and their feelings and the need to make sound, rational and logical decisions for long term financial and emotional health is a never ending, ongoing struggle. I don’t believe we can live on only one side of the fence.  If we only pursue idealism, we will end up broke, isolated from the real economic world and without respect from business leaders.  There are a very few who have been able to do this successfully– Mother Theresa comes to mind, as well as Jesus.  But they are rare, and were willing to lose all, with a pure heart, for the sake of their cause.  And both the causes of Jesus and Mother Theresa were devoid of selfless pursuits; they only focused on a spiritual kingdom and the needs of others.  For both Jesus and Mother Theresa, those in need were seen as God’s children, hurting and in want, and both Jesus and Mother Theresa responded to those in need with an attitude of “If I do not respond, then who will?”   Jesus said, “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,  I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?  And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’” Matthew 25:35-40.

These words of Jesus always move me to tears, even now as I write.  I believe his words extend not only to the suffering of human beings, but to the suffering of other sentient beings as well.  Domestic animals are dependent upon human beings for their food, shelter and care.  In my estimation, the measure of a person’s character can be determined quickly by how he or she responds to the dependent animals who are either in their care, or who cross their path.  How can a person who claims to be enlightened ignore the suffering of another sentient being?  To me, the answer is, the people who are harsh and cruel to animals, and insensitive to their plight, are also missing a huge piece of the heart of God, the creator.  We are meant to live in respect and harmony with the animals, many of whom are designed to be our companions and best friends.  I have said for years that my animals are far better friends to me than most people ever have been.  They do not abandon me, they are not harsh and unforgiving, and they love me unfailingly.  Even when my beautiful cat Sophie was at death’s door a few months ago, she took her last failing moments of strength to answer me, with a weak voice, when I spoke her name in the vet’s office, as she was passing away before our eyes of an incurable illness. My beloved Ernie passed away last year, and the vet tech pointed out to me how much he obviously loved me, as his eyes would track me, weak though he was, and he responded to my voice, and not to anyone else’s.  These memories of Ernie and Sophie’s love, and their sacrificing life’s last few moments of energy to connect with me, love me, and comfort me bring tears to my eyes even now.

Those who live by their head and not by their heart do not seem to have stories of love and connection with animals to share.  I have not seen these people go to great lengths to care for animals or to rescue them. Perhaps they have stories like these with people, but I cannot say. I believe that people who live in the world of decisions ruled by economy and logic miss out upon the beauty and richness of emotional connection with others.  And yet, those who can connect with others must learn to manage their emotions, or they will go under, making illogical choices meant to preserve their feelings and the feelings of others.

The wisest course of action is to follow your heart, but honor your mind.  Thank you, Dustin.  “Study to show yourself approved unto God, a workman that needs not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”  II Timothy 2:15.  Do not fear education, if you are a sensitive feeler – embrace it!  Education provides more tools-- especially for the sensitive feelers--with which to navigate a world that is run by those who have abandoned their hearts (or never were connected to heart in the first place).  Education honors and strengthens the mind.  And in my opinion, sensitive feelers need this strength even more than the logical decision makers.  Sensitive feelers need to learn how to balance their emotions. Education can be a wonderful and safe way to gain perspective and develop new cognitive skills.  If the sensitive feelers can pursue education, honoring and strengthening their minds, then maybe, just maybe, with education, discipline, patience and persistence, the educated feelers can make a difference in the arenas run by those from the other side of the decision-making fence.  Through education and the acquisition of skills that may not come naturally to the feelers, they might be able to earn a place in a workplace run by those who have little to no emotional connection with others.  Educated feelers in the workplace have the opportunity to make a difference, to possibly effect some change, and to gain the respect of those who are making decisions in a different way.  And in so doing, the educated feelers can better take care of themselves and have more to share with those who are in their care. 

 

 

 

Momentum

Those who are enjoying living in happy family groups usually have the momentum of happiness and stability from previous generations.

I had lunch today with a man who has been happily married for close to 40 years. He has 4 children and 10 grandchildren. His greatest happiness is the time he spends with his family. His children all live within 1 and 1/2 miles of his home.

I asked if there was fighting amongst the group and he said no. His son was divorced when the wife he loved felt that she preferred a same sex relationship. But the parting was amicable and his son still loves his ex-wife.

As I probed to understand what I never had, I heard what I expected to hear: His parents and grandparents were also happy, grateful and stable. The seeds for a powerful sheltering family were planted decades ago.

Families should provide shelter and comfort for their members. But that doesn't always happen.

Trees provide shade and shelter, but their ability to protect doesn't happen overnight. A 100 foot oak tree may take 20 years to reach maturity and might take 80 years to reach full acorn production (http://www.ehow.com/info_8449073_long-reaches-maturity-bear-acorns.html#page=1).

I long for the loving, caring and sheltering family I never had, but I have no momentum for that. I most often walk alone, and observe families from the outside looking in. Sometimes people share with me the trauma and darkness of their families and I know I am blessed to be alone and in peace. But occasionally, rarely, I meet someone who is reaping where they did not sow, as the Bible says:

"For in this the saying is true: 'One sows and another reaps.' I sent you to reap that for which you have not labored; others have labored, and you have entered into their labors." John 4:37-38 NKJV

So few people seem to be living with an eye toward future consequences. Lives lived selfishly play out with deep pain for future generations.

My father chose to abandon us via a letter sent to my mother while we were vacationing abroad. We were living in England and had come home to the U.S. to visit. He sent a letter to my mother instructing her not to return to England but to send us children back to him. She did not do that, and thus we were effectively dumped off in the States on grandparents' land, and in a very different culture and environment. The pain of that abandonment and the repercussions of his choice are prevalent in our lives today.

 

Sometimes I wonder, and imagine, how our lives might have been different had my father been there for us -- an advisor, protector and provider.

My father did the same thing (on reversed continents) to his second wife who was from England. When she went home with their daughter to visit England for a summer, my father sent them a letter instructing his wife not to return but to send my half-sister. Of course, my half-sister's mother did not do that and they were effectively dumped off in England. My half-sister told me of the confusion and pain she experienced as a result. She orthodontics on her teeth and no one to adjust them. I don't think she has much, if any, of a relationship with him today.

My point in relating these familial stories is to show that my father is not an oak tree for us. He did not spend his years protecting and sheltering his family. He spent his years chasing women and having affairs. I don't know what he does now, but I do know he has made no effort to speak with me nor has he ever apologized for how he dumped us. And during the years following his severing of his fatherly ties, he never made one effort of his own accord to visit or to see us.

My point in recounting this sad tale is to say that, It is not my fault that I do not have an oak tree for a family. It is not my fault that my father abandoned us (and the family he created that came after us). It is not my fault that my mother had mental issues.

How COULD I have possibly been prepared to make a good choice in marriage after all of that? Both of my marriages failed and I am better off for not being with either husband.

A large part of the pain I feel as a result of being without family, love, shelter and support is wondering what is wrong with me. I have come to see things a bit more objectively, and I see that the loving happy families that are thriving are the result of seeds planted by previous generations and very seldom did those families spring up overnight.

Feeling left out and rejected is a common emotion for me. As a child growing up, I felt that something was wrong with our family (there was) and so I felt that we were different from others. As an adult, I know there was something wrong with our family, and I can better understand it all, but that doesn't mean that this is not painful.

And so, as I look and observe, I can see that I was not born into a sheltering family. That is not my fault. I always thought maybe there was something I could do to fix it, or to find a new family.

I have not been able to find a sheltering family of my own.

But what I have been able to do is study psychology, achieve a Master's degree and almost my PhD in Psychology, and go to a lot of therapy to understand what happened to me and most importantly -- to make sure that it doesn't continue to happen. I have been able to improve my choices and I am not in a toxic relationship -- something that I was primed for as a result of my traumatic upbringing.

And so, I am grateful each day for what I DO have. I am grateful for each kindness that comes my way. I do not take any friends for granted. I treasure each true friend, and am always ready if another real friend should appear.  It hurts each time a friend cancels time with me because their family has a gathering to which I am not invited.  But I understand that I am not part of their group.

I believe that my painful experiences have created a deeper understanding of other's pain. I hope that at the end of my life, even if I die alone, that somehow, my life will be a life well lived, and that I helped as many people as I could.

Unrequited Love and Friendship

Everyone has experienced the pain of offering love and friendship to someone who doesn't want it.  It is embarrassing, and even causes shame, to realize that your deepest and most sincere affections are not only not returned, but are not desired.

Sometimes a person might string you along, enjoying your attentions, with no intention of returning a like friendship or love, but that person enjoys the attention.

It might be more painful when someone is happy to decline your offer openly, and send you on your way.

Because this is painful and embarrassing, few people will talk about their deepest personal wounds of rejection.

Is there anything that hurts more than being rejected?

Sometimes the rejection is obvious -- an open break up, a divorce or an absent family member.

Sometimes the rejections are more subtle, and no one knows -- unless we speak, and the chances good we won't speak about a failed effort to establish a new friendship.

Rejections can occur on a sliding scale.  There can be the outright, "go away" rejection.  There is the person who ignores your calls and emails.  There is the person who says they will meet up with you but never does -- for all intents, this is a rejection but the person is dishonest in his or her communications, which can be confusing.  When in doubt, go with the actions a person displays, not the words they say.

Rejections can occur after deep friendships have taken place.  People change.  Values shift.  Betrayals happen.  And for whatever reason, the friendship no longer fits.  It is hard to tell someone you no longer have a place for them in your inner circle.  Most people probably gradually distance themselves from the person they no longer want to befriend.  Sometimes that is the best way.  Other times, it might be best to simply tell that person that things are no longer working.

The bottom line is, Do not take rejections too much to heart.  Everyone experiences them.  There are more friendships to be had, sometimes just around the corner.  Don't mourn too much for the past, or you might miss your future.