Having it All?

With the advent of women's rights and their subsequent rise in the workplace in the 70's and 80's, there followed a pressure and an expectation that women could "have it all."  Women were expected to compete with men at work, and continue to rule and supervise the home, work out at the gym, or if they were single, conduct an active social life.

By the 90's, women were pushing back and looking for options -- telecommuting (working from home), part time work instead of the full speed ahead ruthless corporate career.  Some women who couldn't find suitable partners chose to become single parents. Women were beginning to realize that they couldn't have it all. (See Spousebuzz article.)

Everything we do costs us something else -- either money, time or emotional resources. 

If we choose to be married, we give up personal freedom and personal space -- that is the cost of having a relationship.  If we choose to have children there is an even greater cost/loss in terms of personal space, time and money spent caring for children.  But we gain the opportunity, though it is not guaranteed, for the joy of family life.  In America, 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce (see article on divorce rate). There is no guarantee that our children will be healthy or well-adjusted.  If they are, and if we dodge divorce, we may well judge that marriage and family were worth what they cost.  If we go through divorce, as more do than don't, we may question why we ever bothered.  If our children grow up to be successful and to be our friends, we will not regret the decision to have invested so much of our lives helping to create and shape their lives.  But if our children grow up to make poor choices and to be ungrateful for our efforts in trying to help them grow, we may wonder why we thought it was a good idea to give up 20 years of our own lives raising children.

If we choose to be single, we give up the opportunity for a partner to share our life and our burdens.  But we gain the opportunity to experience dating partners and the freedom to do what we want, when we want, where we want and with whom we want.  We also will no doubt face alone times that can be painful and scary.

The choice to be alone or to marry is not about right or wrong -- it is about personal choice.

In China, the government spent many years dictating a one-child policy for couples to prevent overpopulation.  Male children were venerated more than female children (still true today) and so for the past 32 years, many families abandoned female babies or terminated their pregnancies to comply with the one child policy.  (See Forbes article.)   The Chinese successfully curbed their population but their success came at an unexpected price -- there are now not enough women for a population of young men who would like to marry and have families.  Also, the young generation is now mostly only children, who never had the benefit of siblings.  Growing up with brothers and sisters affords the opportunity to learn how to interact and mature.  Therefore the generation that is a result of one child only never learned how to give and take, how to share, or how to live with someone else and thus the Chinese divorce rate is soaring.  Men compete with each other in public displays and competitions, trying to gain the attention of available females.  (See HBO's VICE documentary on Chinese matchmaking in this era of shortage of female partners.)  Chinese men who are working class are unable to find partners.  Wealthy Chinese men can have a woman, or many women -- in China, marriage is an economic arrangement. Thus, the Chinese govenment's social engineering policy of one-child, male preferred, has resulted in 50 million more men than women -- success, in terms of reduction of population, and the cost is a social imbalance.

It is simply not true that we can "have it all."  Do not pressure yourself, or blame yourself, if you fall short of an unrealistic ideal.

Learning to live well is learning to manage your resources -- your health, time, money, relationships, work.  Whatever you have, realize that you are finite, and your time is finite.  No one lives forever.  How are your spending your time today?

 

Desert Plants

The desert is a harsh environment, with extreme temperatures – deadly heat by day, freezing cold by night – making survival difficult.  Water is scarce and there is little shelter –no shade to provide protection from a relentless sun.  With little humidity in the air, solar radiation is increased.  For most plants, survival would be impossible.  However, desert plants have found a way to survive, even with little water and sunlight, and amidst radiation so extreme most plants would perish.

Many people are raised in harsh environments.  Some children have had little nurturing and love –akin to the water needed by plants.  While sunlight and heat are necessary for photosynthesis, too much can burn and kill.  The sunlight that plants need to grow, thrive and make their food is like unto adversity and resistance people need to gain strength and mature.  Too much can destroy.  The right amount promotes health.

What happens to children raised in harsh environments, denied love and who have adversity heaped upon them, with no shelter or shade in sight?  Many perish.  Many die from the hopelessness of not being loved.  Many despair from the weariness and never-ending discouragement of problem after problem, in the absence of love, joy, encouragement or hope.   Many are neglected – akin to the freezing nocturnal temperatures of the desert night, and many are relentlessly abused – akin to the unforgiving and relentless desert sun, from which no protection or shade can be found.

What happens to these souls, who are denied human love, comfort and nourishment – denied shelter, protection and hope for a better future?  Many give up.  But some don’t.

How do the abused and tortured souls who survive manage where so many die?  They learn to cope – in much the same way that desert plants learn to cope and survive.  What do you do when you are raised with no love?  You learn to hoard the little love you might find along the way, and draw into yourself, until the next rare rainshower of love appears.  Desert plants have fewer leaves and branches, and thus conserve precious moisture.  They might be seen to be reaching out less, because they cannot afford to waste what water they do have.  Some abused souls do the same – they cannot afford to reach out as they do not have the energy, it was never available to them.  They cannot take a chance reaching out when it costs so much to do so.

Some plants go dormant when no water is available.  Some people shut down, and awaken only when it is safe, or when they are able to do so.

Another thought in regard to plants, and expectations:  Do we plant a cactus and expect to see a flourishing oak tree?  If a child is born into abuse and neglect, can that child ever expect to experience the shelter and shade of a loving family?  Probably most will not.  But if they find a way to survive, they will have something the oak tree never has never had, never needed and never will:  the ability to survive in harsh and deadly climates, where others shrivel and die.

Let those who come from oak trees try to appreciate and understand those who come from desert climates.  Those who have always had love, nurturing and protection of family cannot hope to empathize with those who have never had those things. 

Let those who come from the desert understand that it is not their fault that they were born where resources were scarce. They did nothing wrong and did not deserve the neglect and abuse they were given. 

Let the desert plants be seen as what they are – magnificent survivors, who have made a life for themselves where most would not have survived.