Gratitude and Happiness

Most of us believe that we will be happy “when.”  For example, we will be happier “when” we:

·         Lose weight

·         Get married

·         Get divorced

·         Earn more money

·         Inherit money

·         Win the lottery

·         Get a new job 

Those “when’s” can serve as motivation to achieve our goals.  But, accomplishing your goals will not ensure permanent happiness.

After goals are reached, a letdown occurs.  A kind of “what now?” can descend.  If happiness is dependent upon the accomplishment of goals, that means two things are certain:

·         Happiness will always be in the future

·         Happiness will fade when goals are achieved and new goals will have to be assumed

In other words, there is no peace if happiness is tied to goals.  There is a constant striving, a never-feeling-good –enough state of mind that prevents rest and the enjoyment of the moment.

Also, the happiness we imagined would follow the achievement of our goals – which might have been our effort to earn acceptance and a feeling that we are good enough – might never arrive.  Others might not suddenly accept us.  Lost weight might not guarantee a new partner.  The new money might not provide the freedom we hoped for.  The new job might change, or we might change.

“The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.” – James Taylor

The truth is, we can be grateful NOW.  Not just when we lose weight, get married, get divorced, earn more money, etc.  The truth is, if we are not grateful NOW, we may live in a permanent state of waiting – waiting for something to happen that may never happen. 

What we CAN do is be grateful NOW.  How many things in your life are going wonderfully?  We all have things and issues we can work on-- relationships that aren’t perfect, bills that need to be paid, house repairs that need to be made, physical fitness to achieve.

But how great is it that we HAVE relationships, that we HAVE a place to live, and that our body is strong enough to exercise and work out?

Savoring the moment leads to gratitude, which leads to happiness.

The secret of happiness is gratitude.  As we are grateful now, we are happy now, and that happiness is not dependent upon anything else.

Transition

Most of us are in a constant state of transition in some area of our lives.

The trick is not to give up and think that what we are moving away from is a permanent loss.  We might indeed be experiencing the loss of friends, or an old job, but at the same time we are moving towards new things that have not yet manifested.

We can’t see what the new opportunities will be until we let go of the old things.

Sometimes old beliefs, old friendships, and old ideas – these are the things that are holding us back.  Being willing to look at new beliefs, new friendships and new ideas can open the door to new opportunities and possibilities.

Sometimes there will be a delay between the letting go and loss of the old before the new appears.  That’s okay.  Don’t give up. 

The new can only arrive after the old has vacated the space it was taking up in your life.

You won’t see the new until the old has gone.  Then you will be able to look back and realize that the transition (loss of the old) has led to something new and fresh.

In nature, trees shed their leaves every year, and for a time, appear to be dead.  But in the spring, the new arrives – new buds, new leaves, and shortly thereafter the tree is clothed in glorious new leaves.  The loss of the old was necessary to make room for the new, more glorious, covering.

This is nature’s way.  Let the old slide away.  Make room for the new, and rejoice when it arrives.

Fighting for Life

We are organic creatures, designed to fight for life, to fight for survival.

Sometimes we fight to survive by exercising, learning to fight, or eating a healthy diet.

Sometimes none of that matters.

Sometimes life ends quickly, and with no warning.

A wonderful family friend is in the hospital, in dire condition, the result of a tragic accident.  He lived life large. He travelled and married and loved and adopted children.  He survived heart surgery last year, and recently survived a close call overseas.

And after all of those adventures and close calls, he is in a hospital as a result of a motorcycle accident.

A life well-lived, but unexpectedly cut short.

Though we do our best to live well, and preserve our lives, the truth is we cannot know where our life's journey is taking us.  We do not know really know how it will end, though we might try to imagine, and prevent, untimely events.

In the end, only God knows what awaits any of us.

All we can do is live life well, now.

Follow Your Heart, but Honor Your Mind

“Follow your heart, but honor your mind.” – Dustin Brown

Dustin has concisely and beautifully presented not only our need for balance in our everyday lives, but the conflict that can ensue for the sensitive people who want to live idealistic lives, considerate of others, and yet at the same time walk a sensible and mentally healthy path. 

Sometimes people with the most beautiful ideals abdicate from the daily responsibilities of work and responsibilities such as home ownership, animal care and other demanding commitments.  They drop out from society, with the intention of pursuing a higher goal. I believe that because the drudgery of daily work, commitment to others, and being responsible to a boss, might not feel good, or might seem to interfere with their inspiration and reflections, they separate themselves from the things in their lives that seem lesser.  I almost always see these same people struggling to pay their bills, and trying to find ways to solicit funds from others – either through charging for offering idealistic advice (though they may not have the credentials to be offering advice to others), personal training or coaching.  I see a group of people who are trying to carve out a way to survive without having to be accountable to those they might not agree with to make a living.

Here is the truth:  Unless you are independently wealthy, there will always be a necessity to work with people who might not always agree with you in order to make a living.  These conflicts offer an opportunity for advancing diversity skills, through personality awareness and learning how to communicate with those who are different from us.

I see people who are on the other end of the spectrum, also.  I know people who have cut the heart out of their decision-making process (or perhaps it was never there to begin with).  There are people whose personalities do not encompass the feelings of others, and you will see these people in abundance in leadership roles in corporations, and in certain professions where logic and science dictate what is happening, and when and how choices are being made.  The people in these professions are almost never the empathetic, poetic and sensitive souls who feel the pain of others, or who seek to alleviate and heal the pain of those around them.  Because they are not distracted by the consequences of their decisions upon the lives of others, or others’ feelings, they move forward in an unemotional paradigm based on their perception of logic and economy.  In their wake, they leave behind hurt feelings and misunderstandings   The people I have known who are making decisions that cause pain to others are mostly unaware, unconcerned and irritated with the feelings of others if they are brought to their attention.  I have interviewed powerful people who make decisions that impact the lives of others, causing pain and disturbance, and I have not found that they have remorse or concern about those their decisions hurt.  Instead, I find that they are looking with resolve at what they believe needs to be done, and they see themselves as persons willing to make tough decisions for the greater good.  There may very well be truth in these views. 

The conflict between idealistic, empathetic concern for others and their feelings and the need to make sound, rational and logical decisions for long term financial and emotional health is a never ending, ongoing struggle. I don’t believe we can live on only one side of the fence.  If we only pursue idealism, we will end up broke, isolated from the real economic world and without respect from business leaders.  There are a very few who have been able to do this successfully– Mother Theresa comes to mind, as well as Jesus.  But they are rare, and were willing to lose all, with a pure heart, for the sake of their cause.  And both the causes of Jesus and Mother Theresa were devoid of selfless pursuits; they only focused on a spiritual kingdom and the needs of others.  For both Jesus and Mother Theresa, those in need were seen as God’s children, hurting and in want, and both Jesus and Mother Theresa responded to those in need with an attitude of “If I do not respond, then who will?”   Jesus said, “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,  I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?  And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’” Matthew 25:35-40.

These words of Jesus always move me to tears, even now as I write.  I believe his words extend not only to the suffering of human beings, but to the suffering of other sentient beings as well.  Domestic animals are dependent upon human beings for their food, shelter and care.  In my estimation, the measure of a person’s character can be determined quickly by how he or she responds to the dependent animals who are either in their care, or who cross their path.  How can a person who claims to be enlightened ignore the suffering of another sentient being?  To me, the answer is, the people who are harsh and cruel to animals, and insensitive to their plight, are also missing a huge piece of the heart of God, the creator.  We are meant to live in respect and harmony with the animals, many of whom are designed to be our companions and best friends.  I have said for years that my animals are far better friends to me than most people ever have been.  They do not abandon me, they are not harsh and unforgiving, and they love me unfailingly.  Even when my beautiful cat Sophie was at death’s door a few months ago, she took her last failing moments of strength to answer me, with a weak voice, when I spoke her name in the vet’s office, as she was passing away before our eyes of an incurable illness. My beloved Ernie passed away last year, and the vet tech pointed out to me how much he obviously loved me, as his eyes would track me, weak though he was, and he responded to my voice, and not to anyone else’s.  These memories of Ernie and Sophie’s love, and their sacrificing life’s last few moments of energy to connect with me, love me, and comfort me bring tears to my eyes even now.

Those who live by their head and not by their heart do not seem to have stories of love and connection with animals to share.  I have not seen these people go to great lengths to care for animals or to rescue them. Perhaps they have stories like these with people, but I cannot say. I believe that people who live in the world of decisions ruled by economy and logic miss out upon the beauty and richness of emotional connection with others.  And yet, those who can connect with others must learn to manage their emotions, or they will go under, making illogical choices meant to preserve their feelings and the feelings of others.

The wisest course of action is to follow your heart, but honor your mind.  Thank you, Dustin.  “Study to show yourself approved unto God, a workman that needs not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”  II Timothy 2:15.  Do not fear education, if you are a sensitive feeler – embrace it!  Education provides more tools-- especially for the sensitive feelers--with which to navigate a world that is run by those who have abandoned their hearts (or never were connected to heart in the first place).  Education honors and strengthens the mind.  And in my opinion, sensitive feelers need this strength even more than the logical decision makers.  Sensitive feelers need to learn how to balance their emotions. Education can be a wonderful and safe way to gain perspective and develop new cognitive skills.  If the sensitive feelers can pursue education, honoring and strengthening their minds, then maybe, just maybe, with education, discipline, patience and persistence, the educated feelers can make a difference in the arenas run by those from the other side of the decision-making fence.  Through education and the acquisition of skills that may not come naturally to the feelers, they might be able to earn a place in a workplace run by those who have little to no emotional connection with others.  Educated feelers in the workplace have the opportunity to make a difference, to possibly effect some change, and to gain the respect of those who are making decisions in a different way.  And in so doing, the educated feelers can better take care of themselves and have more to share with those who are in their care. 

 

 

 

Momentum

Those who are enjoying living in happy family groups usually have the momentum of happiness and stability from previous generations.

I had lunch today with a man who has been happily married for close to 40 years. He has 4 children and 10 grandchildren. His greatest happiness is the time he spends with his family. His children all live within 1 and 1/2 miles of his home.

I asked if there was fighting amongst the group and he said no. His son was divorced when the wife he loved felt that she preferred a same sex relationship. But the parting was amicable and his son still loves his ex-wife.

As I probed to understand what I never had, I heard what I expected to hear: His parents and grandparents were also happy, grateful and stable. The seeds for a powerful sheltering family were planted decades ago.

Families should provide shelter and comfort for their members. But that doesn't always happen.

Trees provide shade and shelter, but their ability to protect doesn't happen overnight. A 100 foot oak tree may take 20 years to reach maturity and might take 80 years to reach full acorn production (http://www.ehow.com/info_8449073_long-reaches-maturity-bear-acorns.html#page=1).

I long for the loving, caring and sheltering family I never had, but I have no momentum for that. I most often walk alone, and observe families from the outside looking in. Sometimes people share with me the trauma and darkness of their families and I know I am blessed to be alone and in peace. But occasionally, rarely, I meet someone who is reaping where they did not sow, as the Bible says:

"For in this the saying is true: 'One sows and another reaps.' I sent you to reap that for which you have not labored; others have labored, and you have entered into their labors." John 4:37-38 NKJV

So few people seem to be living with an eye toward future consequences. Lives lived selfishly play out with deep pain for future generations.

My father chose to abandon us via a letter sent to my mother while we were vacationing abroad. We were living in England and had come home to the U.S. to visit. He sent a letter to my mother instructing her not to return to England but to send us children back to him. She did not do that, and thus we were effectively dumped off in the States on grandparents' land, and in a very different culture and environment. The pain of that abandonment and the repercussions of his choice are prevalent in our lives today.

 

Sometimes I wonder, and imagine, how our lives might have been different had my father been there for us -- an advisor, protector and provider.

My father did the same thing (on reversed continents) to his second wife who was from England. When she went home with their daughter to visit England for a summer, my father sent them a letter instructing his wife not to return but to send my half-sister. Of course, my half-sister's mother did not do that and they were effectively dumped off in England. My half-sister told me of the confusion and pain she experienced as a result. She orthodontics on her teeth and no one to adjust them. I don't think she has much, if any, of a relationship with him today.

My point in relating these familial stories is to show that my father is not an oak tree for us. He did not spend his years protecting and sheltering his family. He spent his years chasing women and having affairs. I don't know what he does now, but I do know he has made no effort to speak with me nor has he ever apologized for how he dumped us. And during the years following his severing of his fatherly ties, he never made one effort of his own accord to visit or to see us.

My point in recounting this sad tale is to say that, It is not my fault that I do not have an oak tree for a family. It is not my fault that my father abandoned us (and the family he created that came after us). It is not my fault that my mother had mental issues.

How COULD I have possibly been prepared to make a good choice in marriage after all of that? Both of my marriages failed and I am better off for not being with either husband.

A large part of the pain I feel as a result of being without family, love, shelter and support is wondering what is wrong with me. I have come to see things a bit more objectively, and I see that the loving happy families that are thriving are the result of seeds planted by previous generations and very seldom did those families spring up overnight.

Feeling left out and rejected is a common emotion for me. As a child growing up, I felt that something was wrong with our family (there was) and so I felt that we were different from others. As an adult, I know there was something wrong with our family, and I can better understand it all, but that doesn't mean that this is not painful.

And so, as I look and observe, I can see that I was not born into a sheltering family. That is not my fault. I always thought maybe there was something I could do to fix it, or to find a new family.

I have not been able to find a sheltering family of my own.

But what I have been able to do is study psychology, achieve a Master's degree and almost my PhD in Psychology, and go to a lot of therapy to understand what happened to me and most importantly -- to make sure that it doesn't continue to happen. I have been able to improve my choices and I am not in a toxic relationship -- something that I was primed for as a result of my traumatic upbringing.

And so, I am grateful each day for what I DO have. I am grateful for each kindness that comes my way. I do not take any friends for granted. I treasure each true friend, and am always ready if another real friend should appear.  It hurts each time a friend cancels time with me because their family has a gathering to which I am not invited.  But I understand that I am not part of their group.

I believe that my painful experiences have created a deeper understanding of other's pain. I hope that at the end of my life, even if I die alone, that somehow, my life will be a life well lived, and that I helped as many people as I could.

Unrequited Love and Friendship

Everyone has experienced the pain of offering love and friendship to someone who doesn't want it.  It is embarrassing, and even causes shame, to realize that your deepest and most sincere affections are not only not returned, but are not desired.

Sometimes a person might string you along, enjoying your attentions, with no intention of returning a like friendship or love, but that person enjoys the attention.

It might be more painful when someone is happy to decline your offer openly, and send you on your way.

Because this is painful and embarrassing, few people will talk about their deepest personal wounds of rejection.

Is there anything that hurts more than being rejected?

Sometimes the rejection is obvious -- an open break up, a divorce or an absent family member.

Sometimes the rejections are more subtle, and no one knows -- unless we speak, and the chances good we won't speak about a failed effort to establish a new friendship.

Rejections can occur on a sliding scale.  There can be the outright, "go away" rejection.  There is the person who ignores your calls and emails.  There is the person who says they will meet up with you but never does -- for all intents, this is a rejection but the person is dishonest in his or her communications, which can be confusing.  When in doubt, go with the actions a person displays, not the words they say.

Rejections can occur after deep friendships have taken place.  People change.  Values shift.  Betrayals happen.  And for whatever reason, the friendship no longer fits.  It is hard to tell someone you no longer have a place for them in your inner circle.  Most people probably gradually distance themselves from the person they no longer want to befriend.  Sometimes that is the best way.  Other times, it might be best to simply tell that person that things are no longer working.

The bottom line is, Do not take rejections too much to heart.  Everyone experiences them.  There are more friendships to be had, sometimes just around the corner.  Don't mourn too much for the past, or you might miss your future.

Despair vs. Hope

No one is immune to the effects of despair.

Money, fame, success (however it is defined), health, strength, friends, family – none of these things can insulate the soul from the inevitable encounter with despair.  Observe the people who commit suicide – many are famous, beautiful, rich, and young.  It would seem that they have everything to live for, and yet, they did not feel they could go on.

Merriam-Webster Online defines despair as the loss of all hope or confidence.

Repeated failures to achieve success or maintain relationships, or even to accomplish personal goals in day to day life, can lead to a feeling of despair – a belief that things will never look up, that you will never see daylight.  In other words, the loss of all hope or confidence.

Every person reading this blog has heard the knock of despair upon the door of his or her consciousness.  We have all heard that whispered suggestion in our minds that perhaps we were wrong about ourselves, wrong about others, and perhaps we don’t know what we are doing after all. 

Sometimes the despair is exacerbated by physiological factors such food choices, lack of sleep, or lack of exercise.

Sometimes despair is felt when contrasting one’s own life circumstances to those of others whom we deem to be examples.  Comparison of ourselves to others is a tricky and dangerous baseline.  The comparisons are usually not valid, even if we feel they should be.

Sometimes the despair is a result of extended isolation or loneliness.

The key to surviving despair-- whether you are a famous person, a rich person, or a lonely person – is to be able to believe that the despair is temporary, in the same way that storm clouds are temporary.  Physical storms come and go, bringing clouds, rain and lightning.  Emotional storms also come and go, bringing despair, anger, discouragement – but if we can wait the storms out, and not lose hope or faith, the storms will pass. 

The despair need not be permanent. 

Sometimes all we need is one more day to see things differently.  Sometimes a phone call, or a song, or a movie, or book can lift the shades of discouragement and despair, allowing the light of hope to shine through.

Despair cannot flourish in the presence of hope.

 

So if despair is knocking on your door today, don’t answer it.  Don’t argue.  Don’t engage.  Simply wait.  Wait for another day, another hour, another minute. 

Because as long as we have life, hope can arrive at any moment, banishing despair.

Friends and Acquaintances of John Mayer

When does an acquaintance become a friendship?

Why do some friendships last while others lapse?

When I joined the now extinct John Mayer Fan Club (Local 83) in 2004, I became acquainted with a group of ladies and a few guys, all of us connected by our love of Mayer.  The adventures we had trying to secure concert tickets, meet up and coordinate concert attendance remain as some of my favorite memories.

We began as virtual acquaintances on a message board which is no longer. We created our own message boards, as our own informal fan club continued.  As message boards became less than Facebook, we migrated to Facebook and many of us have remained in contact there.

Over the years, some of us have changed and our circumstances have changed.  Jobs have been gained and lost, degrees have been conferred, husbands and boyfriends have come and gone, children have been born and are growing up.

And through it all, our love of John Mayer has remained, and our little informal fan club has remained in contact for almost 10 years.

What causes acquaintances to turn to friendships, and what causes those friendships to remain? 

Even though we all love him, there has to be more than John Mayer holding us together.

Perhaps those of us who are drawn to the same artist have similar souls. Perhaps we understand each other and enjoy each other's company.

John Mayer is now touring for the first time in three years.  Some of us will get together to attend his concerts.  We watch as the front row and center seats, which used to be available to us through every presale, go to radio stations and event planners.  And yet, we still come, though we are pushed off to the sides, literally. We make do with lesser seats than the fan club offered us, but we still try to get as close as we can to the stage.  Usually the best we can do is a few rows back and off to the far left or right, and that's only if we log on at the moment the tickets go on sale -- right at 10 am through Ticketmaster.  The precious front and center seats are never made available to us anymore.

John Mayer:  We are glad you are back and that your voice has returned. We are your informal, formerly formal, nameless fan club.  We are your friends, though you have only met some of us in passing at meet and greets, and observed us consistently on the front rows of your concerts a few years ago. Through our friendship with you, we have found friendships with each other that remain.

Having it All?

With the advent of women's rights and their subsequent rise in the workplace in the 70's and 80's, there followed a pressure and an expectation that women could "have it all."  Women were expected to compete with men at work, and continue to rule and supervise the home, work out at the gym, or if they were single, conduct an active social life.

By the 90's, women were pushing back and looking for options -- telecommuting (working from home), part time work instead of the full speed ahead ruthless corporate career.  Some women who couldn't find suitable partners chose to become single parents. Women were beginning to realize that they couldn't have it all. (See Spousebuzz article.)

Everything we do costs us something else -- either money, time or emotional resources. 

If we choose to be married, we give up personal freedom and personal space -- that is the cost of having a relationship.  If we choose to have children there is an even greater cost/loss in terms of personal space, time and money spent caring for children.  But we gain the opportunity, though it is not guaranteed, for the joy of family life.  In America, 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce (see article on divorce rate). There is no guarantee that our children will be healthy or well-adjusted.  If they are, and if we dodge divorce, we may well judge that marriage and family were worth what they cost.  If we go through divorce, as more do than don't, we may question why we ever bothered.  If our children grow up to be successful and to be our friends, we will not regret the decision to have invested so much of our lives helping to create and shape their lives.  But if our children grow up to make poor choices and to be ungrateful for our efforts in trying to help them grow, we may wonder why we thought it was a good idea to give up 20 years of our own lives raising children.

If we choose to be single, we give up the opportunity for a partner to share our life and our burdens.  But we gain the opportunity to experience dating partners and the freedom to do what we want, when we want, where we want and with whom we want.  We also will no doubt face alone times that can be painful and scary.

The choice to be alone or to marry is not about right or wrong -- it is about personal choice.

In China, the government spent many years dictating a one-child policy for couples to prevent overpopulation.  Male children were venerated more than female children (still true today) and so for the past 32 years, many families abandoned female babies or terminated their pregnancies to comply with the one child policy.  (See Forbes article.)   The Chinese successfully curbed their population but their success came at an unexpected price -- there are now not enough women for a population of young men who would like to marry and have families.  Also, the young generation is now mostly only children, who never had the benefit of siblings.  Growing up with brothers and sisters affords the opportunity to learn how to interact and mature.  Therefore the generation that is a result of one child only never learned how to give and take, how to share, or how to live with someone else and thus the Chinese divorce rate is soaring.  Men compete with each other in public displays and competitions, trying to gain the attention of available females.  (See HBO's VICE documentary on Chinese matchmaking in this era of shortage of female partners.)  Chinese men who are working class are unable to find partners.  Wealthy Chinese men can have a woman, or many women -- in China, marriage is an economic arrangement. Thus, the Chinese govenment's social engineering policy of one-child, male preferred, has resulted in 50 million more men than women -- success, in terms of reduction of population, and the cost is a social imbalance.

It is simply not true that we can "have it all."  Do not pressure yourself, or blame yourself, if you fall short of an unrealistic ideal.

Learning to live well is learning to manage your resources -- your health, time, money, relationships, work.  Whatever you have, realize that you are finite, and your time is finite.  No one lives forever.  How are your spending your time today?

 

Desert Plants

The desert is a harsh environment, with extreme temperatures – deadly heat by day, freezing cold by night – making survival difficult.  Water is scarce and there is little shelter –no shade to provide protection from a relentless sun.  With little humidity in the air, solar radiation is increased.  For most plants, survival would be impossible.  However, desert plants have found a way to survive, even with little water and sunlight, and amidst radiation so extreme most plants would perish.

Many people are raised in harsh environments.  Some children have had little nurturing and love –akin to the water needed by plants.  While sunlight and heat are necessary for photosynthesis, too much can burn and kill.  The sunlight that plants need to grow, thrive and make their food is like unto adversity and resistance people need to gain strength and mature.  Too much can destroy.  The right amount promotes health.

What happens to children raised in harsh environments, denied love and who have adversity heaped upon them, with no shelter or shade in sight?  Many perish.  Many die from the hopelessness of not being loved.  Many despair from the weariness and never-ending discouragement of problem after problem, in the absence of love, joy, encouragement or hope.   Many are neglected – akin to the freezing nocturnal temperatures of the desert night, and many are relentlessly abused – akin to the unforgiving and relentless desert sun, from which no protection or shade can be found.

What happens to these souls, who are denied human love, comfort and nourishment – denied shelter, protection and hope for a better future?  Many give up.  But some don’t.

How do the abused and tortured souls who survive manage where so many die?  They learn to cope – in much the same way that desert plants learn to cope and survive.  What do you do when you are raised with no love?  You learn to hoard the little love you might find along the way, and draw into yourself, until the next rare rainshower of love appears.  Desert plants have fewer leaves and branches, and thus conserve precious moisture.  They might be seen to be reaching out less, because they cannot afford to waste what water they do have.  Some abused souls do the same – they cannot afford to reach out as they do not have the energy, it was never available to them.  They cannot take a chance reaching out when it costs so much to do so.

Some plants go dormant when no water is available.  Some people shut down, and awaken only when it is safe, or when they are able to do so.

Another thought in regard to plants, and expectations:  Do we plant a cactus and expect to see a flourishing oak tree?  If a child is born into abuse and neglect, can that child ever expect to experience the shelter and shade of a loving family?  Probably most will not.  But if they find a way to survive, they will have something the oak tree never has never had, never needed and never will:  the ability to survive in harsh and deadly climates, where others shrivel and die.

Let those who come from oak trees try to appreciate and understand those who come from desert climates.  Those who have always had love, nurturing and protection of family cannot hope to empathize with those who have never had those things. 

Let those who come from the desert understand that it is not their fault that they were born where resources were scarce. They did nothing wrong and did not deserve the neglect and abuse they were given. 

Let the desert plants be seen as what they are – magnificent survivors, who have made a life for themselves where most would not have survived.

Social Media, Perception and Dishonesty

Our society puts a lot of value upon image.  Therefore, others' perceptions of us (their image of us) will influence how we are treated.

Science has shown that those who have symmetrical features are considered the most beautiful, and receive advantages in society.  Those who are the most beautiful are often viewed as being intelligent and having other positive traits.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_attractiveness

In the past few years, social media has offered a way for each of us to manage others' perceptions of us -- including people we have never actually met in person.  The stories abound of catfishing -- that is, those who believe they are talking with a person who looks a certain way and then upon meeting that person, find out their virutal acquaintance is not nearly as attractive as they were led to believe.  This is achieved with false pictures and a desire to present oneself as beautiful -- then reap the rewards of the beautiful, at least temporarily.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catfish_(film)

I don't believe anyone is totally honest or open on Facebook.  It would not be wise to put your whole life on an internet driven site.  Therefore, everyone is editing, to some degree, what is viewed by others on their pages.

I have noticed that most posts are about positive things -- accomplishments, social events, family gatherings, and so forth -- the kinds of things that can yield praise from others.

I have noticed that when some people who might be experiencing difficulties post about their problems, they sometimes receive advice that is not so much helpful as it is irritating.  I think this is in part because people don't want to read about negative things that other people are experiencing.  In part, I think this is because there is nothing they can do about it, and perhaps they are uncomfortable just saying, "I'm sorry, is there anything we can do?" 

In other words, as long as you post happy things, all is well.  If you post difficult things, be prepared for mixed reactions and even misunderstanding.

I have found the best way to manage difficult discussions on Facebook is through private groups -- limit your personal sharings to those you trust.

I also think it is worth considering that perhaps you don't need to read all about others' lives--especially if you start feeling like there's something wrong with you because you don't have a bevy of beautiful, sparkly friends, and a perfect family.  Just remember--the people posting those things don't have perfection, either -- they are posting what they are comfortable sharing, and they are managing others' perceptions of them.

It is also worth remembering that people are not posting pictures of themselves without makeup, at their worst point of the day -- they are posting their best pics, usually hoping for compliments.  Therefore, to compare yourself to others on Facebook is to do yourself a disservice.  No one looks like their best pics all the time.  (See Stars Without Makeup pics.)

I have gotten liberal about deleting profiles of people from my friends' list who feel the need to use Facebook as a negative campaign for issues about which I can do nothing, or to scold others who don't believe the way they do.  Life is too short.   Reading all that junk, and cluttering up my mind, and perhaps even getting upset even for a minute is time lost I can never get back.

So remember:  You should control your Facebook, and what you post, and who views it.  Extra personal things are probably best posted privately to a private audience.  And most importantly:  Remember that everyone else is not living the perfect lives they portray on Facebook.

Regrets

We don't have to go too far in life before we are faced with regret -- as a result of our own choices or others' decisions.

Regret is painful.  There is a sentiment expressed by some that it is better to regret things that are done than things that are undone. In other words, the things undone represent the road we never took and these things haunt us, because we do not really know where it might have led.  We fantasize that our pain, lost relationships and other problems might have been minimized or avoided had we taken a different path.

What if we had chosen a different marriage partner?  A different school? A different job?  A different city in which to live?

Some decisions carry more weight than others.  The choice of a  marriage partner can affect and influence the rest of your life -- for better or for worse.

The choice of a school can determine personal and professional connections for years to come.

The choice of a job can drive the rest of your career.

The choice of a city in which to live can determine many things -- the culture that influences your daily life, the weather and your safety, and the friends and organizations that are available to you.

What do we do when we find ourselves washed up on the shores of regret?  We all face regrets -- the boyfriend we let get away, the job we turned down, the opportunities we might have missed.

I believe when we pine for that which we feel we have lost, we are basing our pain on a misguided belief that another choice would have led to different results.  This is not necessarily true.   The truth is, we cannot possibly know where those other roads would have taken us.  It is possible that they would have ended in a dead end, or in other pain which we have not imagined.

The mentally healthy road accepts regrets as normal, but does not languish there for too long.

For it might be that the road we are taking now is the best one we could have chosen.

Acceptance and Loss

Those we love come into our lives.  They also leave our lives.  Sometimes the comings and goings are by choice.  Other times, the entrances and departures are involuntary.

Happiness lies is letting go – both of the entrances and the departures.

“Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get. Life should be touched, not strangled. You’ve got to relax, let it happen at times, and at others move forward with it.”
― Ray Bradbury

Letting go is painful.  The loss of a beloved innocent seems pointless – pain without reason. 

We must fully experience the pain before we can let it go.  Avoiding the pain leads to efforts to reclaim what is lost--and that is not possible.

Moving towards acceptance frees us from the losses of the past.  Acceptance does not change the loss into something else, or replace that which was lost.  Acceptance is the key to a future, and to freedom.  Without acceptance, we languish in the prison of sorrow and loss.

Choosing and Wanting

We all have wants.  We all make choices, every day, that either take us toward what we want or take us further away.

Do we really want what we have chosen? Are we making choices to lead us to what we want?

Every choice we make leads us to a destination.  The key is to recognize and understand where our choices are taking us.

We all want good friendships.  If we choose to associate with people who bring us down, then we are not making choices toward good friendships.

We all want to be healthy.  If we never exercise, our choice is not moving us toward health.

For those who desire a relationship, maintaining connections with undesirable partners is not moving toward a healthy relationship.  But for some, that is all they know how to choose. 

No one can change your choices but you.  If you want different results, consider the steps it will take to get the results you want, and then map out a realistic plan to achieve those results.  Then, start making choices to lead you to that result.

Oftentimes, if your space is taken up by an undesirable object or person, there is no room for the desired objects or person.  Sometimes choosing the negatives in your life will push out the positives.  You usually cannot have both.

If you want good friendships, disassociate with those who are bringing you down.  If you want to be healthier, find one thing you can do to move in that direction.

Beginning to make choices that take you where you want to go leads to increased momentum.  The closer you get to your goal, the more motivated you may become and the more new ideas might arise to help lead you in the new direction.

If you look at your life -- friendships, job, education, health -- and something is missing, develop a plan to achieve it.  But first be willing to lay aside the old so that you can focus your energies on the new.