Having it All?

With the advent of women's rights and their subsequent rise in the workplace in the 70's and 80's, there followed a pressure and an expectation that women could "have it all."  Women were expected to compete with men at work, and continue to rule and supervise the home, work out at the gym, or if they were single, conduct an active social life.

By the 90's, women were pushing back and looking for options -- telecommuting (working from home), part time work instead of the full speed ahead ruthless corporate career.  Some women who couldn't find suitable partners chose to become single parents. Women were beginning to realize that they couldn't have it all. (See Spousebuzz article.)

Everything we do costs us something else -- either money, time or emotional resources. 

If we choose to be married, we give up personal freedom and personal space -- that is the cost of having a relationship.  If we choose to have children there is an even greater cost/loss in terms of personal space, time and money spent caring for children.  But we gain the opportunity, though it is not guaranteed, for the joy of family life.  In America, 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce (see article on divorce rate). There is no guarantee that our children will be healthy or well-adjusted.  If they are, and if we dodge divorce, we may well judge that marriage and family were worth what they cost.  If we go through divorce, as more do than don't, we may question why we ever bothered.  If our children grow up to be successful and to be our friends, we will not regret the decision to have invested so much of our lives helping to create and shape their lives.  But if our children grow up to make poor choices and to be ungrateful for our efforts in trying to help them grow, we may wonder why we thought it was a good idea to give up 20 years of our own lives raising children.

If we choose to be single, we give up the opportunity for a partner to share our life and our burdens.  But we gain the opportunity to experience dating partners and the freedom to do what we want, when we want, where we want and with whom we want.  We also will no doubt face alone times that can be painful and scary.

The choice to be alone or to marry is not about right or wrong -- it is about personal choice.

In China, the government spent many years dictating a one-child policy for couples to prevent overpopulation.  Male children were venerated more than female children (still true today) and so for the past 32 years, many families abandoned female babies or terminated their pregnancies to comply with the one child policy.  (See Forbes article.)   The Chinese successfully curbed their population but their success came at an unexpected price -- there are now not enough women for a population of young men who would like to marry and have families.  Also, the young generation is now mostly only children, who never had the benefit of siblings.  Growing up with brothers and sisters affords the opportunity to learn how to interact and mature.  Therefore the generation that is a result of one child only never learned how to give and take, how to share, or how to live with someone else and thus the Chinese divorce rate is soaring.  Men compete with each other in public displays and competitions, trying to gain the attention of available females.  (See HBO's VICE documentary on Chinese matchmaking in this era of shortage of female partners.)  Chinese men who are working class are unable to find partners.  Wealthy Chinese men can have a woman, or many women -- in China, marriage is an economic arrangement. Thus, the Chinese govenment's social engineering policy of one-child, male preferred, has resulted in 50 million more men than women -- success, in terms of reduction of population, and the cost is a social imbalance.

It is simply not true that we can "have it all."  Do not pressure yourself, or blame yourself, if you fall short of an unrealistic ideal.

Learning to live well is learning to manage your resources -- your health, time, money, relationships, work.  Whatever you have, realize that you are finite, and your time is finite.  No one lives forever.  How are your spending your time today?