Untie the Knots

As I was cleaning today I found a cat teaser toy tangled up in the thick cord of the carpet cleaner.  The teaser toy had a long, thin plastic handle, a long string and a furry toy at the end of the string.  Somehow, the string had gotten wrapped around the heavy black cord of the carpet steamer and the string was separated from the teaser handle.  But it was all tangled together, intertwined in the carpet shampooer's electrical cord.

I tried to pull it loose, but to no avail.  I stopped vacuuming, sat down on the floor, and examined the string.  It was knotted, in several places.  Hearing the jangling of the toy on the end of the string, the baby kitten came over to investigate.  She knew this was her toy but she couldn't get to it.  How it got this tangled, wrapped over and over and under several layers of cord, was beyond me.

I had two choices:  Cut the string and ruin the toy, or methodically untangle it to preserve the toy.

I chose the second option.

As I sat quietly, with baby kitten looking on, detangling the knots, looping and unlooping, I suddenly realized the metaphor I was holding in my hands.

I have been dissatisfied with my progress in life, thinking of the "shoulds" with which I pressure myself:  cleaning the house, losing weight, finishing dissertation and so forth.  There are probably two dozen "shoulds" that pop into my head every day, holding forth the never attained promise of...perfection? 

The burden and pressure of a perfectionistic ideal is a heavy one to bear.  And -- it is unrealistic and places the target person in a state of anxiety.

Our society expects everything "on demand."  Entertainment, internet and many other things are marketed just that way -- instantly, "on demand" -- with one click, you may have what you are looking for.  If you are sick, take a pill on demand.  Want a movie?  You are one click away.  Want a date?  One click.  Need medical advice?  Click to WebMD.   Want to chat with loved ones far away?  Skype them, with a couple of clicks.  Want to lose weight?  Take a pill or have surgery.

As I patiently and quietly detangled the little teaser toy, with baby kitten looking on expectantly and hopefully, suddenly I saw that LIFE is a series of tangles and knots.  We are born into imperfect families.  We learn to walk by falling down over and over, until we --  through a series of failures -- gain our balance.  Through trial and error we learn to shoot basketballs, ride horses, play the piano, or even make friends.  If one person doesn't like us, we move on to the next potential friend.

Our society has lost the concept of building through trial and error, of making progress through our mistakes.  Lessons learned through patience are lost.  If we can't see the results immediately, we walk away and throw away what might have been.

Maybe today, on Christmas Day -- a day of promise, hope, good cheer, kindness to all -- we can recognize the knots and imperfections in our lives not as failures, but as problems to be solved.  These problems will require time to solve and the knots will not disappear overnight.  If we were born into a troubled family, it will take time to understand the dynamics and learn how to build a new network of support.  Part of the detangling is learning not to blame ourselves for the messes around us.  Sometimes they are not our fault.  Sometimes, they just are. 

But every problem, every knot, is an opportunity to learn new skills and gain a new understanding.  If you were never rejected, you would not understand another's heartbreak.  If you had been born into a perfect family, you would have no concept of the difficulties those who struggle with dysfunction face.  Instead of asking "Why me?"  or "What did I do to deserve this?"  Ask instead, "How may I understand this, and bring light to this situation?  How might I untie this knot?"

The prayer attributed to St. Francis of Assissi embodies this response:

 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Today, when we see a knot in our lives or in the lives of our friends, perhaps we can see a puzzle to be solved rather than an intruder to be removed.  Of course, we cannot solve others' problems.  It takes all our energy to try to solve our own.  But instead of blaming them, ourselves or others, let's look at the intertwined network of feelings, thoughts, emotions and relationships that make up the complicated picture we call life.  And then, maybe, we can start untying the knots.